In Over My Head


If you’ve read this blog for a while, you may have noticed a general trend, a common theme. It’s the only message I have that is worth writing about:

I messed up my life in many (serious) ways. Grande sinner, if you will.

God rescued and redeemed me, simply because it pleased Him.

In gratitude and awe, I fell in love with Jesus.

I have been accepted as a beloved child of the King of kings and Lord of lords.

Have you felt it? Have you had a taste of the unconditional love of the Father? It changes you, from the inside out. It can’t be denied, and won’t be ignored.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of the memories of my dark past. For some reason I keep wanting to hold it up to God and ask (again): “But this? What about this? Will You forgive this? Again?” I doubt I am the only one that feels this way. I hope I’m not that unusual.

Time after time, Abba tenderly shows me through His word, the words of other people, songs and other media: “Yes, I forgive you. In My eyes you are blameless, spotless.”

Even as I write this post, I am weeping tears of gratitude and guilt and hope and desperate faith. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to let go of the memories; inevitably they lead me back to this place of humility and dependence and acceptance. It is here that I feel closest to my Abba, overwhelmingly so.

Maybe you’ve been to a similar place, your own personal junk yard… overflowing with failures and sins and mistakes and poor choices. Maybe you are there right now. Maybe, like me, you find there is no hope for you outside of Jesus. Maybe you need to hear your Father tell you again: you are blameless. Perhaps all of your past was necessary to bring you to where you are, to be who He made you to be.

I read Psalm 18 this morning and these particular passages stood out:

I was blameless before him,  and I kept myself from my guilt. So the Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,  according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

 You have given me the shield of your salvation,  and your right hand supported me,  and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me,  and my feet did not slip.

I was definitely not blameless. But because of Jesus, God says I am now. Because of Jesus I am free and I am flawless. Because of this thing He has done I am carried away in a sea of grace, still crying tears of admiration, awed by His mercy, captivated by His crazy love. And in that sacred place I hear my heart whispering: “Let me drown in this love”.

Two songs have been circling my playlist like a merry-go-round recently. Below are links to the videos of these songs. Perhaps, like me, you will find yourself gently weeping in gratitude and awe.


In Over My Head

3 thoughts on “In Over My Head

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